**Note: people have wondered what the counter is for... it's to take a check of HOW many people actually visit this thing. It's not counted bit views, but by your IP addresses. so it's 60+ people in the past few weeks since I've put it up. x_x.**
The End://
I am honestly not going to post my convo with ash.
I typed the url of this site and clicked "new post" to do so, but I just decided against it.
My friends (some of them...) know the url to this blog. Im not exactly sure how many of them do, and who they are... and even then... since SOME of them do know, I am hesitant to post ANYTHING from that conversation.
So I will not.
This is also a notice that I am going to be getting a private blog. On a different site. And I will NOT give that url out to anyone besides myself. I need a place to talk to, because I dont have anyone to listen currently. Some of the stuff I will be saying... or that I want to write, I dont want people seeing because well... that would either offend someone or make them "worry" or something. I've already trusted one person, and told them everything about me, and all about my life, every waking moment... and well... that didn't turn out well now did it.
So to those people (will remain un-named..) Who have read all my posts since the beginning, and have talked to me about them, I thank you so much. It helped a lot. You'll all remember one of my earlier rants about wanting to "come out of my shell" and open up to someone?
After over a year of blogging, and telling people, and trying so hard in real life, I've found that Im currently in too much pain to let people know anymore.
So I'm going back in my shell.
And Im closing my life out to people.
In the long run this may... (I must choose my words wisely to not anger/concern people)... may uhm... not be so good for me. But currently, I've changed and this isn't working.
Kinda scary huh.
I've stopped smiling.
Stopped truly laughing.
Stopped being really happy.
And started torturing myself mentally.
Im depressed.
Crying.
Sad.
And utterly Fucked up.
I am so fucked up right now, that I dont let myself think. I live day by day, thinking "it's just another minute" or "it's just another hour"
And before I get mail saying "Omg you're emo." or "Omg you're suicidal."
Let me make this clear.
I. am. not. emo. I. am. not. suicidal.
I am utterly depressed and sad. With our current generation, you cannot understand that... but there is a difference.
And sometimes, being honestly sad, is worse than dying.
Also, Im sick, my social life has died due to my illness, so I currently have nothing to live for besides a few things, and that's not a good feeling at all.
I have people saying "oh but your friends were worried."
Oh dear, if they worried why didnt they call at all.
I dont think you guys have realized (my irl friends) that I havent had someone call to TALK in over 4 years. 4 years ago, I called k-pop (nickname) and was crying because my hamster had died, and we talked for an hour or so about life and stuff. And I am so thankful to you.
It's really been 4 years guys, and it's starting to hurt.
I've had no one to talk to recently besides k-pop.
No. One.
No one's called, I havent been online (due to my family being assholes), No one in my family will talk, I cant go to school, and Im so sick I havent seen people in a while.
Take all that's happened to me recently, compress it into a little tiny ball and throw it at yourself a few hundred times. Try to imagine having so many events, so many people leaving, hurting you, dying... so much drama, a hell of a lot of betrayal, so many things that have gone wrong with your health, fears that you're DYING...
And don't talk.
Dont talk for months.
Dont talk for years.
And all I can say...
is that it really.
can kill you.
