GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGODDAMMIT

FUCKING ASS LIFE :l

Im really pissed.
At myself I guess. Im not sure.
I don't have something I can point at and be like "YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF MY PROBLEMS, GO DIE."

A few months ago I had 3 days of...euphoria I guess.
I felt..
normal.

Like I did when I was younger.
I can still remember the feeling.

I could ride my bike for hours and never get tired, I could focus... it was insane.
And after the third day it went away and I was back to feeling weighted down and just horrible.

And I was optimistic and told myself "IT'S POSSIBLE!"

And now... months later. I look back at those 3 days and want to cry, grab onto the days and never let go. I want them back. And it's not an optimistic feeling anymore, I feel like my life was taunting me saying "this is what you could have, but you dont".

Always said the best quality I had was my optimism about life, because without it I'm not sure how I'd cope with this.
And my optimism is dead now.

I want a child hood. I want to be a teenager. I want to be able to actually HAVE memories about highschool that make me happy instead of making me cry.
Everyone says their highschool years were the best. Why the hell do I have to miss out on this.
I feel like an 80 year old. Looking back to when I was 7-8 and wishing I were still like that. IM TOO YOUNG TO THINK LIKE THAT.

Fucking body, fucking life.
I need to stop running away and deceiving myself. I still act like I can do all the things I wanted to.

So here's my list of being realistic.

Realistically (as of now):
I will not graduate highschool with my grade
I will not be able to go to college
I will not become independant
I will probably be filed as "Mentally/Physically Retarded" and lose some of my options.
I probably won't see my friends after they go to college.
I will not be able to hold a job.


And people might say I'm being over dramatic. ._.
But I've talked to various adults, doctors... etc.
If I continue as I am now, that will be my future.

Im going to Mayo in march.
I told myself not to put much hope into them.
But I just threw it all at them.
Please help me. ._.
If you don't find out whats wrong with me, I don't know what the hell I'll do.