Meh

I want to have an end of a year.

It's bothering me. For three years in a row now I haven't had an "end day" for my school year. There's no relief... nothing.

My summer is the same as my school year, Im still doing work and I don't even KNOW when the school year ends now.

It's incredibly depressing.

And I feel majorly left out.

I have a problem.

Okay.

The first step to helping yourself, is admitting you have a problem. I have a problem. I just have no fucking idea how to deal with it.

I've taught myself to just put things aside and deal with them later. I've gotten so good at it that I can completely forget something happened, and go on with my day. What I didn't realize is I really haven't forgotten it, the emotions are still there.

And after years of putting things aside it's coming back. And it scared the shit out of me.

Apparently Im so incredibly stressed that I'm getting anxiety attacks without even REALIZING I'm stressed. If you've never experienced an anxiety attack, you never want to. I feel like I'm trapped and I can't do anything about it. It's the worst experience I've ever had.

I've been sick for years, failed all the medications and it's getting worse. Haven't been to class in about a year, working on things myself and my family is btching about it because apparently they have no trust in me completing it by myself. Also I found out that I've been having anxiety attacks because I'm so stressed that I don't even realize it. Been avoiding my friends because being with them makes me feel upset because it's like my life has been put on hold while they're just growing more distant.

That sums it up.

My mom keeps telling me whatever I do isn't good enough. I shouldn't be going on vacation, going to friends houses, NOTHING. Because I need to study. Even if I study all day and complete half of a semester, it's not enough. I've done that before. She told me it wasn't good enough.

My friends think she's awesome. I don't think that bothers me too much but the fact that they get pissed off when I'm not nice to her... THAT annoys me. They don't know how she treats me, they shouldn't care how I treat her.

I've been making up excuses to stay away from my friends.

I feel like shit whenever Im with them. Im apparently not important enough to even bother calling. I feel like I'm the odd person out now. They say they want me there but they don't. I go and meet up with them and they talk about stuff I don't know about, or about other people I don't know and Im just excluded from the conversation.

They have a life, they have boyfriends or girlfriends, they've gone to school events, I've been sitting in my room pondering why I exist.

I feel like my life has been put on hold while they run full throttle ahead. It's such a shitty feeling that I've been avoiding them.

I think most of them believe I'm better. Sometimes it doesn't really even seem like they care. I don't want them to care. I put on a false face and act incredibly happy and healthy. I get home and crash wondering why the fuck I do that to myself. I'm not better. Emotionally Im probably even worse.

I go over to Phylicia's house and by the time a few hours pass I feel like I need to pass out. Sometimes not even an hour has passed before I feel like Im going to just fall over.

Im so tired of feeling like Im just a piece of low life shit.

And they don't seem to care.

Phylicia isn't the only one that can call me. She is the only one that DOES.

Using that as a fucking excuse just makes me feel even worse.

I don't think people take me seriously either.

If you knew someone had a cutting problem, would you joke about cutting around them? You shouldn't.

You wouldn't joke about suicide around a suicidal person.

If something really bothers someone, most people stop doing that.

They don't stop doing this to me.

How do you think that makes me feel?