Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

What is Wrong with me?

This... well. Hurts.
What has happened to my ability to form words, or to even communicate my feelings to people. It's like they disappeared ever since I took that god damn med.
But I honestly need to stop blaming it on the medication and accept the fact that my body is deteriorating. And it's going slowly enough that I'm aware of everything. It's hell.

I will be going to Mayo. Not the food. It's a medical clinic.
Pretty much I've exhausted all other options and this "thing" is getting so bad I'm going to have to fly into another state.
This place is so hard to get into that we've had to gather all my medical files for my entire life (which took months) before they were even willing to schedule me.

I've gotten to the point that my aphasia is so bad, I can't even think.
I sit there, and I feel the emotion. But I have no idea what that emotion is. Well I do, I just can't label it.

So I run away from my problems. Which makes it worse.
Its not the fucking medication. Im off the medication. Im sick. Im getting worse. This is just me.

What hurts is that I can't sort this out. I can't get people to understand anything about me, Im just stuck.
I feel like Im just running away but in reality Im clinging to people in a way they dont even notice or respond to.
Im clinging to my sanity. And it scares the crap out of me.

This is taking so long to write, and probably none of it makes sense. If I think about it I cant write it.

Along with being sick, Im asexual.
Fuck.

And Im more convinced than ever that I'll never get people to understand what that means. It's against their nature to understand "asexual". Just like I can't understand them, they can't understand me.
That adds another disconnect between me and most of the world.

Im 16.
So why have I been worrying if Im dying.
I don't think that's something a 16 year old should have to worry about.
I've worried about what happens if I died. How would my online friends know...
what would my irl friends do.
And the uncertainty bothers me. I dont want to leave them.

I have no idea what's wrong with me and its getting worse.

Going through my medical records.
My mother put the records together. And we both realized an very frightening fact.
I've had this my entire life.

And through-out my entire life. It has gotten progressively worse.
Things that I thought were a new issue, I actually had issues with years ago. Not to the same degree, but they were still there.

And they're getting to the point that not only can I not live a normal life, but I can't even control my body.
There's a disconnect not only between myself and most of the world, but a disconnect with my body and mind.

yay topic ADD.

As for online friends.
I don't know.
Having someone tell me that they just want to leave?
To be honest Im so pissed off and upset that I cant make sense of what he said at this moment.

And I didnt feel like telling him that it's one of the only things that pisses me off to no end.
Because now.
That makes him another to add to the list.

Of people that have made me feel worthless.

My life is for my friends. I really dont have much to live for myself at the moment. That's not me being depressed, that is the truth in my mind.
And I would never. Ever.
Leave someone I cared about or hurt them intentionally.

Even Sara, with all the dumbass crap she's done. It still hurts everytime I see her or talk to her. But I will never leave her.
And it's bothering that I have yet to find another person that shares that with me.

So far everyone I've gotten close to leaves me.
And ingrains the idea into my brain that Im a piece of crap that just hurts people. And I dont even know why.

This blog, the entire thing. Jinglebomb. Not just this post.
Is the response to so many people pleading with me to "take care of myself better". I know they probably meant me being sick all the time. But this is all I can do. I can't help the sickness.
Oh.
And this blog is also the response to all of those people who told me to take care of myself better, hurting me so very much in the end. :)

I spot a trend!

Meh this doesnt even make sense when I read it now. But whatever. This is what happens when you just let yourself talk, and you dont censor it. Or have any control over it. Fuck.