Mayo?!

:0 Finally got all my doctor info for pretty much... my entire life.
The amount of papers is insane, I never realized how many people I saw and how many tests I've had.

Hopefully once we send this stuff I'll get a call back asap. Im hoping to be able to see them in dec or jan, but most likely not. >< They're so busy.

I think... I'll accepted anything really. It wont be any different than now, I'll just have a word for what I have. That's assuming they know what's up with me.
I think even if they tell me it's something fatal, nothing will really change. Well, I dont know if I'll go to college (maybe I will, but part time so I can just do shit I enjoy and work on making a difference instead of working on an education). But my outlook on life shouldn't change, why should it?
As far as Im concerned whatever they find I have, I've had it. I'm living with it. Just because I have a word for it doesnt mean things have to change who I am :0

It seems though most likely I have a form of dysautonomia.~ Which isnt too bad. I guess. It really doesnt matter though. o.o
So far what I can understand about it is it's a central nervous system disorder. Basically.
All the things that you do without really "thinking" about, I usually cant. It might explain why my body seems to react slow. My mind and body are definitely not on the same frequency. It feels like Im chronically drunk or drugged. Also might explain why I dont get thirsty and my hunger is a bit... odd? I wont be hungry at all for the entire day and then all of a sudden my body goes "FOOD PLEASE NOW PLEASE KTHX PLEASE."

The only thing that is amusing to me is the different ways you get it.
Like here are some examples, a lot of teens get it when they hit a growth spurt (growing age) and then it gradually gets better around their early 20's. Pregnant women and old people can get it too :0
And then there are people that just have it chronically and it gets worse throughout their entire life.

Personally I feel like the last option describes me better but my mother insists that if I have it I probably got it when I started growing. Im not sure if that's just her being a mother or if she really believes so with valid reasoning.

Going through my medical records Im close to positive that I've had it my entire life.
Sure it definitely wasn't as bad early on. But it slowly got worse and worse. And it still is in my opinion.

But at least this has opened my eyes. The world isnt built for people who arent the "norm". Not at all. People don't want to have exceptions, give exceptions, or bother remembering the exceptions. It's too much trouble.
Sure people build things so wheel chairs can reach buildings without worrying about steps. There are handicap bathrooms and parking spots but I didnt realize how many little things can create issues in your life.

I could (at this point, though they might not accept my condition since it's constantly changing) file as legally mentally/physically retarded. The only issue with that is while it gives me some options, it takes away a bunch too. Not saying it's bad, it's just not for me at this moment.

I dont really think my friends realize that the word "retard" can be a label for one someone they know and interact with on a daily basis. Retard does not mean stupid, dumb, lazy, weird... it just means I move slower and do some things a lot slower than they do. I seriously feel as if I move at a slower rate than everyone else. And it frusturates me to no end when I go to school because it over loads my senses, I just want to put the world on pause and take a break before I keep going.

Topic jumping, apparently I pissed off Phylicia by saying it's a very good possibility I'll be held back in high school. She said something about colleges, but cut off mid sentence to say she wasnt going to bother talking to me.
I think she got the wrong idea but Im not sure how she read my statement. Maybe she thought I was saying my grades weren't good enough? I really dont know.
But at this point the high school will not let me graduate with my class. And they're making it increasingly hard to graduate in 2011. To graduate from my highschool there are some classes you HAVE to take to qualify. Geography is apparently one of them. That class from freshman year that the teacher decided to not even give me the material for and therefore screwing me over.
I could easily take geography online, the only issue is they wont ever sign me up for the online classes when I ask. I have to ask 6 months in advance, and by this time I don't even have enough time to ask them, wait 6 months for them to get their act together and then complete all my required credits by 2011 graduation. I havent even completed last years classes because they screwed up the scheduling on those. I'll have those done by december at the latest. Then around the summer I should be able to start the rest of my classes from this year. Those will be done around december senior year. Then I still have senior year classes. I can do this. But they're making it hard.

Im kind of worrying about Phylicia. She's been in a rather bad and impatient mood for the past few weeks, and I feel like something is bothering her. But I'm not sure if I should ask her about it or not. Considering she seems to be upset with me already I guess I wont. If you read this, please remember that you can talk to me about anything and I'll always listen. <3

Im really not sure where to go with my english class. I can take the vocab test but this other test on the declaration guys is confusing me. Badly. Im not even sure where to start with it. x_x
I need to ask her questions but I cant even make it into school. I want to go to school. So much. Im not being sarcastic. Sure it may be boring to you, but for me it's something that everyone else gets but is just barely out of my reach. Something that is guaranteed to you, isnt for me. I never went through life thinking I wouldn't graduate high school and go to college. But if I cant even attend high school or focus enough or stay awake long enough to do my online classes. Something has to change.

Im not really sure where Im going with this. :0
As for Mayo... iunno what I'll do about that. I've been thinking Im not gonna tell anyone. I really would rather not but I think I'll tell Gabe and Megan.
Gabe because I dont see why I shouldn't tell him, and Megan because I promised that she'd be the first person to know about things.
Otherwise I guess I'll just disappear for a week or two for the rest of my friends. I dont know if they'll notice actually haha. I've been debating if I should tell Phylicia but... I'd rather not. Im just worried that she'll get pissed if I dont. Or maybe she won't? I dont know how much she cares about those kinda things.

Ran out of things to say ;;
Buh Bye <3 I feel better now at least~

Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

What is Wrong with me?

This... well. Hurts.
What has happened to my ability to form words, or to even communicate my feelings to people. It's like they disappeared ever since I took that god damn med.
But I honestly need to stop blaming it on the medication and accept the fact that my body is deteriorating. And it's going slowly enough that I'm aware of everything. It's hell.

I will be going to Mayo. Not the food. It's a medical clinic.
Pretty much I've exhausted all other options and this "thing" is getting so bad I'm going to have to fly into another state.
This place is so hard to get into that we've had to gather all my medical files for my entire life (which took months) before they were even willing to schedule me.

I've gotten to the point that my aphasia is so bad, I can't even think.
I sit there, and I feel the emotion. But I have no idea what that emotion is. Well I do, I just can't label it.

So I run away from my problems. Which makes it worse.
Its not the fucking medication. Im off the medication. Im sick. Im getting worse. This is just me.

What hurts is that I can't sort this out. I can't get people to understand anything about me, Im just stuck.
I feel like Im just running away but in reality Im clinging to people in a way they dont even notice or respond to.
Im clinging to my sanity. And it scares the crap out of me.

This is taking so long to write, and probably none of it makes sense. If I think about it I cant write it.

Along with being sick, Im asexual.
Fuck.

And Im more convinced than ever that I'll never get people to understand what that means. It's against their nature to understand "asexual". Just like I can't understand them, they can't understand me.
That adds another disconnect between me and most of the world.

Im 16.
So why have I been worrying if Im dying.
I don't think that's something a 16 year old should have to worry about.
I've worried about what happens if I died. How would my online friends know...
what would my irl friends do.
And the uncertainty bothers me. I dont want to leave them.

I have no idea what's wrong with me and its getting worse.

Going through my medical records.
My mother put the records together. And we both realized an very frightening fact.
I've had this my entire life.

And through-out my entire life. It has gotten progressively worse.
Things that I thought were a new issue, I actually had issues with years ago. Not to the same degree, but they were still there.

And they're getting to the point that not only can I not live a normal life, but I can't even control my body.
There's a disconnect not only between myself and most of the world, but a disconnect with my body and mind.

yay topic ADD.

As for online friends.
I don't know.
Having someone tell me that they just want to leave?
To be honest Im so pissed off and upset that I cant make sense of what he said at this moment.

And I didnt feel like telling him that it's one of the only things that pisses me off to no end.
Because now.
That makes him another to add to the list.

Of people that have made me feel worthless.

My life is for my friends. I really dont have much to live for myself at the moment. That's not me being depressed, that is the truth in my mind.
And I would never. Ever.
Leave someone I cared about or hurt them intentionally.

Even Sara, with all the dumbass crap she's done. It still hurts everytime I see her or talk to her. But I will never leave her.
And it's bothering that I have yet to find another person that shares that with me.

So far everyone I've gotten close to leaves me.
And ingrains the idea into my brain that Im a piece of crap that just hurts people. And I dont even know why.

This blog, the entire thing. Jinglebomb. Not just this post.
Is the response to so many people pleading with me to "take care of myself better". I know they probably meant me being sick all the time. But this is all I can do. I can't help the sickness.
Oh.
And this blog is also the response to all of those people who told me to take care of myself better, hurting me so very much in the end. :)

I spot a trend!

Meh this doesnt even make sense when I read it now. But whatever. This is what happens when you just let yourself talk, and you dont censor it. Or have any control over it. Fuck.

I've noticed my titles are so creative...

So... Greetings blog. You've been neglected, I still love you though. <3>Im a bit frustrated. Well majorly. You'd think if something really bothers you, your friends would respect that and not really argue about it or question it.

Speeding Cars

Here's the day you hoped would never come

Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Ugh

The hell, this is bullshit.

It's gotten to the point that I can't even invite my "friends" to my birthday party because they NEVER FUCKING TALK TO ME.

Even when I try and talk to THEM.

Whatever.

The list is now about 3 people who actually talk to me when I talk to them, one of them actually goes out of their way to call me on their own time.

3 People.

Used to be 20.

I've waited 5 years to have a birthday party and I can't even invite the people who used to be my friends. I finally sucked it up and went to facebook and actually check it everyday.

To find nothing really.

Even if I post statuses people never respond or do anything about it. Really it's only Dan or Sara D. that talk to me in the chats and when I used to comment on stuff no one seemed to care.

So apparently even if I make it fucking easy for people to be lazy and just send me an online message, they don't. (To those few of you that do, thank you, Im not ranting about you, just all the other people -_-)

I almost want to just delete all my facebook friends and just add the people that actually fucking talk to me.

Phylicia

Dan

Winny

Sara D.

Krissy

Megan would be there too but I don't ever see her using facebook, maybe her computer is still dead.

Oh and Sara.

I want an answer.

Im not waiting anymore.

Yes or No.

If you pick Yes, I actually expect you to talk to me.

If you pick No, Goodbye.

I'm tired of just waiting and having you act like we're friends but really, I don't think we are.

Actually I know we aren't.

To be honest. I don't think you have a choice anymore.

You couldn't even pick up the phone once and say you wanted to be friends.

Even when I told you that was what I was waiting for.

I gave you months.

I guess I really am not that important.

Lol.

Thanks for screwing with my emotions/mind. You're a genuine bitch. I don't give a shit what's up in your so called horrible life. Your mother loves you, get over it. Stop throwing away everyone that actually cares about you. Your attitude about "my life is worse than anyone else's" is bullshit. So many people have it worse off than you, open your eyes and stop throwing a pity party.

Or maybe you should just keep throwing everything away.

It'll all come back to bite you in the ass and maybe then you'll finally figure it out.

I tried to help you but look what I got, a few months of feeling like a worthless piece of shit that can't even keep a "friend". That'll probably turn into a few years of feeling like worthless shit.

Who knows.

After all my friends were deserting me apparently it didn't matter if you did too.

You were so caught up in your own "horrible" life, you couldn't seem to care or notice if I was going through anything too.

And you made it worse.

That is why you're a genuine bitch.

Meh

I want to have an end of a year.

It's bothering me. For three years in a row now I haven't had an "end day" for my school year. There's no relief... nothing.

My summer is the same as my school year, Im still doing work and I don't even KNOW when the school year ends now.

It's incredibly depressing.

And I feel majorly left out.

I have a problem.

Okay.

The first step to helping yourself, is admitting you have a problem. I have a problem. I just have no fucking idea how to deal with it.

I've taught myself to just put things aside and deal with them later. I've gotten so good at it that I can completely forget something happened, and go on with my day. What I didn't realize is I really haven't forgotten it, the emotions are still there.

And after years of putting things aside it's coming back. And it scared the shit out of me.

Apparently Im so incredibly stressed that I'm getting anxiety attacks without even REALIZING I'm stressed. If you've never experienced an anxiety attack, you never want to. I feel like I'm trapped and I can't do anything about it. It's the worst experience I've ever had.

I've been sick for years, failed all the medications and it's getting worse. Haven't been to class in about a year, working on things myself and my family is btching about it because apparently they have no trust in me completing it by myself. Also I found out that I've been having anxiety attacks because I'm so stressed that I don't even realize it. Been avoiding my friends because being with them makes me feel upset because it's like my life has been put on hold while they're just growing more distant.

That sums it up.

My mom keeps telling me whatever I do isn't good enough. I shouldn't be going on vacation, going to friends houses, NOTHING. Because I need to study. Even if I study all day and complete half of a semester, it's not enough. I've done that before. She told me it wasn't good enough.

My friends think she's awesome. I don't think that bothers me too much but the fact that they get pissed off when I'm not nice to her... THAT annoys me. They don't know how she treats me, they shouldn't care how I treat her.

I've been making up excuses to stay away from my friends.

I feel like shit whenever Im with them. Im apparently not important enough to even bother calling. I feel like I'm the odd person out now. They say they want me there but they don't. I go and meet up with them and they talk about stuff I don't know about, or about other people I don't know and Im just excluded from the conversation.

They have a life, they have boyfriends or girlfriends, they've gone to school events, I've been sitting in my room pondering why I exist.

I feel like my life has been put on hold while they run full throttle ahead. It's such a shitty feeling that I've been avoiding them.

I think most of them believe I'm better. Sometimes it doesn't really even seem like they care. I don't want them to care. I put on a false face and act incredibly happy and healthy. I get home and crash wondering why the fuck I do that to myself. I'm not better. Emotionally Im probably even worse.

I go over to Phylicia's house and by the time a few hours pass I feel like I need to pass out. Sometimes not even an hour has passed before I feel like Im going to just fall over.

Im so tired of feeling like Im just a piece of low life shit.

And they don't seem to care.

Phylicia isn't the only one that can call me. She is the only one that DOES.

Using that as a fucking excuse just makes me feel even worse.

I don't think people take me seriously either.

If you knew someone had a cutting problem, would you joke about cutting around them? You shouldn't.

You wouldn't joke about suicide around a suicidal person.

If something really bothers someone, most people stop doing that.

They don't stop doing this to me.

How do you think that makes me feel?

Wut Curious?

It's interesting. D:

I've known for a while that I am asexual. It's kind of comforting to be able to assign a word that defines yourself instead of feeling the odd one out. I still feel a bit left out of conversations when the topic turns to sex or other topics like that. I'll laugh at it, but really I have no idea how to relate. I started doing a bit more research and found out there are actually a lot of people like me. And then I started thinking about it, and realized being asexual really doesn't define my gender preference. It just defines how I think about relationships etc, how I think about my life really. o.o;

People make it sound obvious that people have sex after marriage. Like, it's something you can be sure of.

I never understood that. There's some tradition where you seriously have to have sex after you're married... I don't understand what the point of that is. (there's a name for it but I forget). My family was talking about this once and I asked "why?"

They gave me the weirdest looks, as if the answer to my question should be so obvious.

People talk about masturbation, and all I can think of is "why would you do that? what's the point?" And people don't understand my questions, it seems to just be understood between all the other people, and that gets frustrating.

I think I'm probably one of the more severe kinds of asexual. There are all different levels, some will still have sex for their partner, and some won't. Some will kiss, some won't. It depends on the person.

I still don't know if I'm straight, bi, or gay. I don't really care too much about it. Because I don't look at people and think they're hot, because Im not really attracted to them physically it's a lot harder for me to figure out what gender I like. xD

But yeah. D:

Felt like writing a blog post. My poor Jinglebomb needs some loving.

8) Poor Bloggy

It's been a bit over a month since my last post. Poor bloggy.

I have been out of school since Thanksgiving Break.

During Thanksgiving break, I went to visit family. I knew it was a bad idea when I woke up that day and had a major headache, but I went into the car and sat for a 8 hour car ride getting sick the entire way. Met some family that day, and slept. Or tried to... I woke up the next morning feeling horrible, I can't explain it. I went to go eat lunch with everyone but I wasn't hungry at all and the thought of eating made me feel even worse. I made it through that day, and actually almost fell asleep on the floor at my grandma's. We got back to the hotel and I went to take a shower, when all of a sudden I yelled because I had just gotten this horrible stabbing pain in my chest. I moved around a bit and then bent over to pick up my pajama's and then nearly fell over because the pain was so bad, I couldn't even breathe. It took a while for me to fall asleep, and then after that I spent the rest of break feeling horrible, having bad pain, headaches, and not being able to eat much without wanting to vomit. We guessed it was a virus, and I drank a lot of water and forced myself to eat more than I would usually if I were feeling fine.

I got home from Thanksgiving and I think I went to one day of school, and then I woke up the next morning with swollen joints, and a monstrous headache. I couldn't even walk or sit right without being in pain. I thought maybe I had just slept wrong until I looked in the mirror and noticed I looked... weird. I'm usually thin but this was just odd... I couldn't figure out what was different until a few days later I weighed myself and realized I had lost about 5 pounds in a matter of days. After realizing that, I started forcing myself to eat a TON. Breakfast, Huge Lunch, Huge Dinner, snacks in between... and I would eat stuff with a lot of substance too. The next day I looked in the mirror again and saw that parts of my legs were turning yellow, and I could see my hip bones. I weighed myself again and I had lost a total of 10 pounds in about 3 days, and eating more than usual didn't even help.

That started the long road of diagnostics, blood tests... etc. I have 8 vials of blood taken, and I can't even remember how many tests they did. All I remember is what was important, that everything came back negative. I still didn't get any better, I was getting worse. Losing weight at a steady rate and my legs were getting dark spots. I was tested for liver and kidney failure but I was negative for those also.

All of a sudden my weight stabilized, the dark patches stopped appearing, and I stopped being sick to my stomach.

Then I couldn't sleep.

This wasn't just having trouble falling asleep, this was being absolutely exhausted and lying in bed from 11 pm to 6 am, falling asleep finally and then waking up an hour later with my mind feeling wide awake and my body not being able to move. I was getting one hour of sleep a day, sometimes only one hour every other day... and I couldn't fix it. I can't remember what happened to help, but I forced myself to stay up until I literally fell over, and then I slowly moved my sleep cycle back to a normal time. It took a week to be able to sleep more than 5 hours, but now I'm back to normal. I still have no idea what caused that.

At this point in time I am off any migraine medication. The minute I stopped taking it, I started being able to concentrate, I can now do math problems and listen to music at the same time, and I don't have as many issues with finding a word I want to say, or talking in general. I went from a person who was testing as if they had just had a major concussion, to a person that was back to normal... all because I went off that stupid medication.

Migraines have stopped for the most part, and I don't need to search for another medication because I'm doing semi-okay... plus I've failed practically all the classes of migraine medications.

Yesterday was like a freak accident. I've recently had swollen toes, and they started hurting like crazy and getting purple bruised spots everywhere on the toes, so I went to go see a foot doctor. He looked at my foot once and told me I have Chilblains. Which means my toes have gotten so cold they're really close to being frost bitten. The purple is where the blood vessels burst. And then he showed me how I could tell, and pressed on my foot... but got silent and told me my feet were FREEZING, even though his office was warm. I told him yeah, they've gotten worse recently... and that my hands have always been insanely cold. Even my hands have gotten worse though, it's gotten to the point that it hurts to type or open door knobs. I thought it was okay but apparently, by freak accident... I may have found the cause of my migraines, and of my many other issues.

The reason my hands and feet are so cold, is because the circulation to those areas is horrible. I knew that. Apparently that's called Reynauds (sp?). And Reynauds (sp?) can be caused by infections, or auto immune diseases. Some Auto Immune Diseases deal with blood vessels, making them contract or spasm, etc. Migraines are caused by a change in blood pressure / a change in your blood vessels of the brain. If I have an Auto Immune Disease, I might be able to stop my migraines by managing the disease.

Fun part is, you can't cure Auto Immune Diseases. There are just ways to manage them. Honestly, I just want an answer. I can't get my hopes up though, there's a chance this will come back as being negative.

Anyways that was an update of shit that's been happening, explaining some crap about my medical side of my life.

There's a ton of crud about school and my friends and my family (my mother most importantly) that I need to eventually write about but my hands are hurting like crazy, so I should wrap this up.

"In youth, it was a way I had,

To do my best to please,

And change, with every passing lad,

To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,

And do the things I do;

And if you do not like me so,

To hell, my love, with you!"

~Dorothy Parker

Can you define...

Can you define the word "friend" ?

It's not that easy to do so, most people just define the word as what they look for in a friend. I personally think a friend is a person who will give and not expect something in return, a person who will stay with you no matter what the circumstance.

Not many people actually qualify as a friend under that definition. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I try my hardest to be a 'friend'. My friends are my life, and each one is just as important to me.

But a true friendship can only happen when both sides work at it. Sure, a one sided friendship CAN work, but it's pointless. You try everything you possibly can to stay friends with this person, and this person acts like a leech and hardly does anything (IF they do anything) in return. It's a losing battle, and won't ever change. I've realized that, and I'm giving up on one sided friendships. It's not worth it.

As for a 'friend' that will stay around no matter the circumstance? Most people fail that test. They're 'friends' with you when it's convenient, but when it's not they drift away. I've noticed that most people are more of a 'friend' when I'm in school. It's convenient for them, I'm right there and they can easily talk to me. But in reality, I'm chronically ill. I DON'T make it to school most of the time, and that's not my fault. But when my 'friends' stop being my 'friend' when I'm not in school, that makes me feel horrible. I start thinking about how maybe the people I know would act different if I wasn't sick, and that's a horrible thing to think about. And it's true, the people I know WOULD act differently if I was "normal", or "healthy", and friendships shouldn't be like that. You should act the same no matter the circumstances, but lets get with the program... people are lazy and they go for what's convenient.

So, What's your definition of a 'friend' ?