I wish I could stop thinking

Shoot me please.
My mother.
Is.
Driving.
Me.
Crazy.
I know all parents do,
but I just want to cry.

This isnt the obvious kind of crazy,
She's taking whatever annoyance she has at me dad, and taking it out on me.
They fight everyday now,
and I cant lock my door.

She wont leave me alone.
Every word out of her mouth is a nag.
Or telling me how stupid I am.
How Im not doing well enough.
Or what I havent done right.
I havent heard anything besides that out of her fucking mouth.

When you invision doing ANYTHING to shut, even you mother, up...
It's a warning that you're going over the deep end.
And things arent working.
You've gotta either totally break down.
Or incase yourself with a barrier that CANNOT crack.
The years I've spent coming out of my barrier...
are wasted.
Because Im going back.
To what I was.
When my brother was home.

10 years old, young.... and you shouldnt have problems at that age.
Instead, I was crying every night.
Going to the guidance counselor.
But I couldnt tell her much anyways.
My brother went off to college...
The arguments and taking things out on me passed.
And then something switched this summer and spring.
It's back to normal.

Even my mom.
Who I look too.
Is growing farther away.
Im welcoming the future.
and when I can leave this hell.
They dont even know me.
Fuck it.
They can be blind.
They can not understand.
They can stand confused,
when I leave.
And NEVER.
Look back.




I really want to talk to someone. Well, not even talk. I want someone to LISTEN. I really want them to listen for once. I really do. Is it normal for a 10 year old to wish for someone to hold them? Because now... years later, I still wish that.
My parent's arms are empty.
And they refuse to hold anything in them.

So Im going to go cry myself to sleep like usual.
Great.
It'll become normal again.

And steven....
Steven says: (10:07:28 PM)
why the hell would he joke about suicide..? =\

"He wasnt joking."

-----

ily fifi <3
and you too dash.

ily tons steven. *cling*
I may be offline for a few days since my mother is being a bitch. (;-; email me?)
and I wish you werent offline...
and I wish that I could stay on longer.
and god I really wish...
I could stop thinking.
Put my mind to rest.
Just stop thinking...
And cry.