Nurgh

I feel like you're making me choose a side, and when it comes to my life, there are no sides. You're a big part of my life, but... it's not fair for you to talk to me like that.

I wonder if you realized...

...the entire time you were dating. I was worrying. I was worrying from the start. I didn't want you to get hurt, I didn't want someone to hurt you.

But I also realized that while I love you, I cannot control your life. You're going to date people I despise, you're going to get hurt, you're going to be happy, you're going to be sad. And all I can do is be the rock that you can rely on, the person that you can glee to or cry to. I didn't want to stand in your way or upset you, so I stood back and supported you.

And I expected the same thing back.
I want to talk to my best friend about what makes me happy.
I want to share my life with her.

And I can't.

I can't even describe in words how that makes me feel.

Does this only apply to me?

Im insulted.
And I'm taking it personally, and I'm pretty damn upset.

"If you go out with Dan, I won't talk to you."

Really?
Wow. Really.

You haven't even asked me if I like him, you haven't really talked to me about if I would actually go out with him.... you just make a statement like that.

This is how I read that statement:

"If you get a boyfriend, I won't talk to you."

Because you know what, there's nothing wrong with Dan. He's an awesome guy, as is all the other guys in our friend group. So that statement you made is directed at me. You can try to argue that Dan's dated a lot of people but fuck, I guess then you won't ever date anyone in college. A lot of guys there have dated more than Dan has. So guess you won't talk to me if I have a relationship in college either.

And then what upset me more was that some of the people at the table agreed.
Ha.
Ha.

Thanks guys.

Apparently everyone else can have a relationship and move on with their lives, but I have to stay where I am no matter what because SOMETHING about me getting a relationship bugs you.

Nice to know it only applies to me.

And nice to know you'd put me in a fucking position like that when it doesn't involve you.
Did I like Sara Dim? Nope.
Did I like Michael? Nope.

Did I stop talking to either of you? Nope.

Nice to know you'd make such a broad assumption without even talking to me about it first.
It's nice to know that if I ever get a boyfriend, my two best friends will stop talking to me.

It's nice to know that everyone in this fucking school makes assumptions about me on a daily basis.
I thought you guys were different. I'm way to fucking hopeful. Like usual.

Guh.

I don't know how you, YOU, can make me feel like a piece of trash that doesn't matter.

You get under my skin in ways I can't understand.

You don't seem to ever fucking CARE that something you're doing might be annoying me, hurting me, or upsetting me.
You don't ever acknowledge it.

You don't pick up on the hints.


You make me feel invisible, worthless, and just basically like a piece of shit that doesn't matter.


I notice when stuff I do annoys you. Which seems to be fucking often. So I ton it down and stop.

You don't seem to notice that.

Im tired of stepping on land mines. And Im tired of feeling like everything is my fucking fault.
If it's something I did, fucking tell me. Stop playing these asshole games.

I don't have time to feel like shit and beat myself up over it.

Yet I am anyways. I guess that's my biggest flaw. I actually fucking care about people.


Funny thing is, I bet you don't even realize you've upset me.

And if you have realized it, I know you won't ever acknowledge it.


Im tired of dealing with this.

Youth

I miss being a kid.
I miss thinking about my future, my life, and day dreaming about how it was obvious that I was going to graduate high school, go to college, get a job, get my own house, and get married.
It was just so obvious.
I wish I was still like that. I want my imagination back, I want that childish innocence back, when you believe that while things go wrong in the world, your life wont be affected.

Some people might call that being naive, but I personally call that having a dream.

I want to be that 6 year old child again.
The girl that realizes that hey, she's a little different but it's not enough to stop her, and why should she dwell on it? So she bulled through people that stood in her way, and accomplished the things she wanted to. She vowed never to let anything stand in her way.

So what happens when you stand in your own way.
I never imagined it. Never prepared for it… and I still don't know how to handle it.

The obvious things in my life became near un-reachable.
What do you reach for when the things you've spent years imagining… just don't happen. What should you dream for now?

The way you pushed until you accomplished what you wanted… what happens when that isn't possible anymore. What if you just keep pushing and you just can't go.

When I look back at my life, I realize that I was always sick. It was always progressing, and my life was always a different challenge than another child's life.

Yet people treated me normally as a child. They accepted me, they laughed with me, played with me, and helped me accomplish the things I wanted.

With age, apparently comes intolerance towards the abnormal. They now treat me like a jerk, they avoid me, they stand in my way, they tell me what I can and can't do.

I wish I could go back in time, and be that child again. The child that people smile at, and give the benefit of the doubt that she is a nice person and she does try.

Worried

I wish I was a teenager.
In years I am, but in mindset and experience Im not.

I want to make foolish decisions, and run around experiencing the things my friends are.
But I feel like I can't.
And I feel like my childhood stopped years ago.

And I don't want things to progress.
I want time to stop. Everyone to stay in their place, while I catch up and enjoy what I should be enjoying.
But life doesn't work that way.

My best friends... everyone I know... will leave me in a year.
Their lives will go on.
And that scares the crap out of me.
I want to cling to them and never let them go. I don't want them to meet new people. I don't want them to leave. I don't want their lives to progress without me knowing about it.
Im such a selfish jerk. Im clinging to things that I can't change.

I've been worrying about things I can't change recently.
Watching as things happen that I can't control. Things that I DON'T want to happen. That I'm just not ready for.

Im scared.
I feel lonely. But I'm not. I have the bestest friends I could ever ask for.

Yet Im scared as hell.
Because I feel like I've accomplished nothing in my life. I don't even know what I want to do. I want to make a difference, but Im not sure how.

Im scared.
and I need answers.
I need things to slow down until I get my mind grasped around how my life is changing.
But that's not happening.

Sorrow

I think this is the first time.

That I've cried for 2 hours straight.

Ran out of tears.

And ran out of words.

I don't understand this at all XD

I had a "crush" in middle school.
Later on, I realized that I actually did not like that guy... in any way.
I felt pressured by everyone around me to have a crush. xD It seemed normal.

Years pass, and slowly Im feeling like the odd one out.
Some things people say, surprise me...

I was watching a TV show called Marriage Refs, and the problem was that the married couple only had sex once a week.
And everyone agreed, that wasn't enough.

Meanwhile, I was freaking surprised that anyone would do that once a WEEK. Let alone once a month.
Yes Im weird. xD

So yes, I'm asexual. And I love it, it doesnt bother me to be different. I feel left out sometimes but I'm used to it and its usually not that awkward.

I just... never thought it was possible for me to "like" someone.
When I look at it logically, the feeling of "liking" someone is.... stupid. But I can't seem to help it.
I guess Im attracted to their personality and just.. WHO they are. Instead of all that physical stuff.

And yet...
Im sad.

I just honestly do NOT see...
how I can ever successfully be with a normal person. How can I ever be with someone who isn't also asexual?
It seems the rest of the world... that's what it revolves around... sex. =/

I mean, Im definitely willing to give people a chance... but it worries me.
I'm pretty sure Im only interested in guys. Though, anything is possible. When I'm really only attracted to who a person is, I guess it doesnt really matter what they are.

So how long can a guy go without sex?
No one NEEDS sex.
If they think they do, that's bullshit. They WANT it.

but am I more important than that want?
people make me think not...


It's kind of screwed up that I actually like someone. And I'm getting to experience being so utterly happy/giddy whenever I talk to them (though I've always been happy to talk to them).... and yet when I talk to them I'm also sad.


Then there's the fact that I'm never, EVER, going to ask this person.
I can hopefully get over this feeling.
I can't get over losing an awesome friend. :/

I think if they asked me...
I'd give them a chance.

But that's not going to happen either.


Weirdly, Im not sad that this whole thing is a vicious circle that won't happen.
I have an absolutely awesome friend.
I don't *need* anything else.


But recently, I've been more sad than happy.
Someone slap some sense into me :l

GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGODDAMMIT

FUCKING ASS LIFE :l

Im really pissed.
At myself I guess. Im not sure.
I don't have something I can point at and be like "YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF MY PROBLEMS, GO DIE."

A few months ago I had 3 days of...euphoria I guess.
I felt..
normal.

Like I did when I was younger.
I can still remember the feeling.

I could ride my bike for hours and never get tired, I could focus... it was insane.
And after the third day it went away and I was back to feeling weighted down and just horrible.

And I was optimistic and told myself "IT'S POSSIBLE!"

And now... months later. I look back at those 3 days and want to cry, grab onto the days and never let go. I want them back. And it's not an optimistic feeling anymore, I feel like my life was taunting me saying "this is what you could have, but you dont".

Always said the best quality I had was my optimism about life, because without it I'm not sure how I'd cope with this.
And my optimism is dead now.

I want a child hood. I want to be a teenager. I want to be able to actually HAVE memories about highschool that make me happy instead of making me cry.
Everyone says their highschool years were the best. Why the hell do I have to miss out on this.
I feel like an 80 year old. Looking back to when I was 7-8 and wishing I were still like that. IM TOO YOUNG TO THINK LIKE THAT.

Fucking body, fucking life.
I need to stop running away and deceiving myself. I still act like I can do all the things I wanted to.

So here's my list of being realistic.

Realistically (as of now):
I will not graduate highschool with my grade
I will not be able to go to college
I will not become independant
I will probably be filed as "Mentally/Physically Retarded" and lose some of my options.
I probably won't see my friends after they go to college.
I will not be able to hold a job.


And people might say I'm being over dramatic. ._.
But I've talked to various adults, doctors... etc.
If I continue as I am now, that will be my future.

Im going to Mayo in march.
I told myself not to put much hope into them.
But I just threw it all at them.
Please help me. ._.
If you don't find out whats wrong with me, I don't know what the hell I'll do.