The scariest thing happened today. And it definitely changed my life.
I went to sleep last night dreading today.
This entire week has been hell, my dad has been yelling at me, abusing me with words and actions, my brother has joined into the yelling, the making fun of, the laughing at my expense. I still love my brother, I haven't lost that yet. But I can't say that I've ever loved my dad since the first time he lost my respect a few years ago. I've tried to convince myself that I should, I really should. He's my father, I'm supposed to love him. But it didn't work.
I kept trying to go back to sleep whenever I woke up last night, just trying to sleep later and later. The less time I was awake, the less I would have to endure. When I'm sleeping, I don't have to think. Ever since the recent events of this year, I haven't been remembering anything. I haven't been remembering dreams, names, information... nothing. Because I won't let myself think about it. After going through so much pain with the Phylicia thing, not thinking had become a habit. A BAD habit. People would ask me questions and I wouldn't even "hear" them due to my brain expelling what they said immediately, I just didn't want to hurt again, my body knew that wouldn't be good for me.
In this situation my body actually took control of my mind.
After being yelled at, I finally started thinking again. I went up to my room and started thinking just long enough to write down the key points to what has been happening to me over this week.
After that I shut my mind off again.
I took and pen and a piece of paper, with my hands shaking, and wrote an explanation to my mother. Everytime I call her I couldn't get how I felt across, I'd be afraid to tell her what was happening because I was fearing her reaction... and I also knew I couldn't tell her right.
I told her everything that had happened, how I felt about it, how I needed to just leave, how I hoped the next time I would talk to her that I could make her understand... I wrote the start and end times it took me to write that 2 page letter. and it took over 50 minutes, mostly because my hand was hard to control, and it was hard to write when I wasn't thinking about it... trying not to at least, blocking the rest out, and focusing on what I wanted to write about. My body was like "don't think about it, it hurts..." and I kept writing. After I finished writing my letter, I folded it and wrote on the top "To: Mom (P.S): I love you tonz XoXo >_<" and put it on my desk. Subconsciously I put it in a place that she'd be sure to find it. Why I did so I'm not sure, apparently I was sure I wasn't going to be there to give it to her. And I was almost right.
I can never fully describe what happened. But I shall try, please (to whom ever that reads this) try to understand what happened, and to the severity that it happened.
My barrier broke.
If you try to hold everything back, it'll eventually get through. And this happened to such an extent that I shut down, literally.
All the thoughts flooded over me, about Phylicia, about losing her, about hurting some of my friends, about my father betraying my trust, about him yelling at me...using me, about him hitting me, about my brother and how he helped add to the pain even though he didn't realize the extent, and about my friends....how they have made me believe that they're thinking I don't exist...I feel neglected...I don't feel like I even had a life with them anymore....
And those thoughts, created such an overload that I tried to shut them out again.
I started blaming each and every situation that had ever caused me pain on myself. Everything was my fault.
This all happened in a matter of seconds, but it felt like hours.
And I gave up.
I have cared all my life, always opened my arms to anyone, always tried to understand, act like they didnt mean what they said or did, and think that they'll always change. And it came back to bite my ass in every case. So I was convinced that I DIDN'T want to care.
I didn't want to care about anything.
And here's where it starts getting confusing, even to me.
After so much practice of ignoring everything that hurt, and not thinking about it, I had convinced myself in these few seconds that every, single, thing, around me... hurt.
So I subconsciously ignored it all.
To a point where I was still conscious, but I was staring ahead at my computer. Not thinking at all. I couldn't move, couldn't respond, and couldn't even think. Since the human body has to slightly think about moving or responding (its so fast you dont notice) I couldn't do either. I wouldn't let myself. My brother came into the room and thought I was just playing around, at first I think I was... but then I actually wasn't remembering anything. It was a cycle.
I would blink, notice my surroundings, my brain would discard that information, and I would immediatly forget. And then I would blink again... this continued for about an hour or so. And I couldn't control it at all.
I was just sitting in my chair with my brother shaking me and getting annoyed, he tried singing, poking me, and everything. He thought I was just ignoring him, I guess I somewhat was. He pulled the chair around my room and finally lifted me out of the chair. For a split second, the change from me sitting to standing caused my brain to stop controlling for a bit, and I found myself walking to my bed, knowing that I needed to get away from this, and I collapsed on my bed.
All I can remember from that point on is him turning on all the lights and shaking me again, thinking I was trying to sleep or something. He finally got fed up and actually picked me up and DRAGGED me out of my room, and I think it surprised him that unlike when he had almost dropped me on the floor from the chair (I caught myself and walked to the bed) this time I was completely gone, and just let him drop me. I fell the the floor with a "THUD" and just lay there in the position that I fell. However, my brother was not about to give up.... he went downstairs and got my puppy and brought him upstairs to lick my face. My puppy hovered over me and started licking my face, and at that moment my body decided that this dog had never hurt me, I love this dog, and the "curse" was lifted. I slowly pet my puppy and stared blankly ahead, still trying not to think, my arm petting him on auto pilot. At this point the dog realized something was wrong, and sat there without moving in my arms. If you knew this dog you'd know that he never sits still. My brother complained to my dad and my dad laughed and brought my other dog upstairs to try to snap me out of my "pretending". My other dog surprised me. She came upstairs and paused for a bit and wouldn't go near me, just looking at me. My dad pushed her forward and she went to my hand that was petting my other puppy and nudged it, but when I didn't stop or falter at all I could see her expression change, she climbed onto my chest and did everything she could to try to get me to move. My dad and brother thought that she just wanted attention and just laughed at it.
I can't remember what happened after that, just that I believe my brother got worried for some reason. Apparently my expression changed, and my face looked different, he was finally noticing these slight changes. I can't remember where my dogs went, or if they left...
I remember alexander (my brother) trying to convince me to get up and help him put the clean clothes away, but he was getting no response. His tone changed from annoyed to confused. My dad started getting pissed, and my brother went into his room. I don't know why. My dad later asked if we had put the clean clothes away, and my brother said "Not yet, she won't get up."
This apparently pissed off my dad. He decided I was done "pretending" and "making a scene". he tried bribing me to get up and saying he'd give me a piece of the chocolate cake he just got, but I couldn't hear him... and he soon got even more pissed off and frusturated.
I heard a hand on the stair post.
I heard someone storming up the stairs.
And a second later...
I felt pain.
He lifted me up by my wrist, screaming "GET UP GET UP BITCH". The shell that had held me captive broke for a few minutes, I was confused as he let go of my wrist and let me drop down to the floor. I didn't know what had happened, why he was angry, and why he hurt me. How did I get outside my room? Why wasn't I still in my chair? and why...
couldn't...
I...
Move?
My dad started flinging clothing that was mine into my room, my brother was confused at my expression. He asked me what was wrong and I thought I answered him. But all I could do was think the answer in my head.
Rarely when he asked, I would respond with; "What?" because I thought I had heard something, but then that information would be discarded... and it would repeat. He would ask what was wrong, I would say "what?" and repeat.
Then he asked me to get up. Repeatedly, he was getting worried at this point. I had a slight lapse of my body's control over me, and responded with "I can't."
At that point my mind started thinking again.
I can't what?
I can't do anything, I can't help anything, I did everything, I hurt everything.
And I kept repeating "I can't" to his questions, and he got insanely concerned.
He told me to grab his hands, he'd help me sit up.
In my head I kept answering "I can't move." and it seemed audible out of my head, but he wasn't hearing it. He eventually took my hands and sat me up, I leaned over and rested my head on the wall. He asked why I was leaning on the wall and I didn't know. I responded with "I don't know."
So my brother kneeled down and started asking frantically "what's wrong?" And I couldn't answer. I don't know why I could answer sometimes and sometimes not. And then my dad said from the bathroom "She's fine, she's a fcking lying bitch, she's living a fcking lie."
My brother ignored it and kept asking me that same question. "What's wrong?"
I wanted to answer.
I wanted to answer so badly, so everything could stop. so I'd be alone.
I wanted to answer... and that want over-powered everything. All my memories, everything, all the pain, welled up and was at my control. It was all pounding in my head, in my heart, everywhere around me. And I choked. I didn't want it to be like this, I wanted it to go away. I was choking, and then all of a sudden, I started crying.
This wasn't just tears running down my face, this was complete loss of control, no control over my body, no control over my emotions. I sat there, bent over myself, crying. I was actually harshly sobbing, having trouble breathing. When normal people cry to this extent, you normally find yourself wiping your nose or mouth, because everything just runs. Tears running down my face, my nose was running, and worse of all...
This finally scared my brother.
I wasn't responding, I wasn't talking, my expression was blank, my face contorted, I was "drooling" in a way, crying, actually creating tears to such an abnormal extent that it was hard to breathe through it, my legs were getting wet, and the ground was damp.
I don't remember how long I cried. It was a crazy amount, I sat there and actually didn't move or do anything new. I would sob in such a way, in such a pattern and lean forward a bit, and then lean back and repeat that exact same thing. It was like time kept rewinding itself. My brother was worrying, tried calling my dad, my dad responded with "she's a bitch" and my brother was like "no something's REALLY wrong." and my brother went to go get a flashlight, shined it in my eyes to see if they responded, he timed the response time, and I was insanely slow at responding. He frantically thought, grabbed a thermometer and took my temperature, it was normal. Finally he had no idea what the fuck to do, I wasn't responding, just crying and repeating... he went into his room, unplugged his computer, put it in from of me and started recording. Apparently this was such an abnormal way of crying, that he had no idea what it was, I looked possessed and just... wrong...
Finally he got my dad to come over, my dad didn't stop being an asshole, but was like "well if she doesn't stop we'll take her to the ER."
My brother tried to get him to notice what was wrong, but he didn't notice... he didn't care.
And something snapped inside me.
I realized for some weird reason I was in control now, something had changed.
I slowly stopped myself crying.
And sat there.
My brother questioned me to a crazy extent...
and I stood up ignoring him, went to the bathroom and wiped my face off, and just stared at myself in the mirror.
I ended up walking around aimlessly, him asking "what's wrong","what's the problem","why aren't you talking?" and other questions. I kept answering with "I don't know","Was there a problem?","I don't want to." and others. Just repeating it. We walking around repeating this for a while, and then he finally left me alone. I decided I wanted to go outside, took my puppy and left. I went on the swings and just sat there petting my dog for a bit.
I picked up my phone.
And called the number my online friend had given me a few days ago.
I had ranted to her about my father a few days ago, and she was insanely worried, gave me her number to calm me down and said if I ever needed to talk she would be there.
I needed to talk so badly. I stared at that phone for over 5 minutes just thinking that I would never be able to say anything, it would be awkward or I would just sound stupid. But I finally didn't care, and pressed send.
It rang once and this girl(woman) picked up. Her voice was the nicest thing ever. I said one word "Asherz?" and she was like "DD: whats wrong?"
Just had to say one word, and this person understood what I needed. I found myself telling her everything that had happened, she commented, and I got through it. I told her more than I have ever been able to tell even one of my friends or family. Something about knowing that she can't hurt me because I tell her, and so I told her everything. At the end we started talking about stuff, and then I heard the cutest "meow" in the background. Her cat is adorable, we started laughing and talking about life experiences, about people, about cats, about anything. And I was actually laughing.
That's what I went through today.
I summed it up pretty well, cut a few things that happened after my phone call the Ash, just because I'm incredibly tired. I'll write about those later.
Most of it involves Sara trying to convince her mother to come and kidnap me (they were willing to XDD <333)
and a phone call to my mother which ended like most, (her not understanding the situation).
But she called back later and told me that when she got home, we'd get through it. She was going to have to live through being on a plane for over 20 hours, and I would have to live through this too.
So I will.
And that's all I can type about now, I'm going to go fall over and fall asleep. I know this has changed my life. Im not sure if it's for the better or the worse.
And:
Thank you Ash. So much. I owe you, so so much.... *huggle/cling*
